http://bobstu.posterous.com/what-do-i-know-about-the-times-that-try-mens
what do i know about the times that try men's souls? i live a comfortable life. i am expanding my comfort zone, but i still live in comfort most of the time. i have a job that pays me more than i need to survive. for the first time in my life i am able to give things that actually cost money to people i care about. i'm able to buy most of the things i want. i live in southern california. we're in the middle of winter and i have to turn on the fan in my room more than just occasionally. this lends the opportunity to discover and experience live music without having to travel more than a few miles. i have several amazing friends whom with i can share and have meaningful conversations. they encourage me to walk with God--i hope it's symbiotic.
i don't have much to complain about--not anything lofty or worthwhile anyway. granted, i don't really like my job. but i do enjoy the benefits of the job. i enjoy the paycheck. i enjoy what that paycheck allows me to do. i enjoy the people i work with. i enjoy that my job pays for me to go to school. i don't, however, enjoy school. so those are my two "great" pains, school and work.
perhaps this means i need to do more. not mundane things, but more dangerous pursuits--those that will cause me to sacrifice myself for others. risky but with great rewards. maybe inconvenience myself to edify others. show my faith. live my faith. be my faith.
i don't even know what that means. there are people living courageous lives of faith. there are people taking risks in the name of Jesus and i can barely get up and go to church on sunday mornings. and i just started doing that consistently just before Christmas. how's that for living the gospel? for most of 2011, i could get up for work everyday and be there by 8 or 830 in the morning, but i couldn't get out of bed and make it church by 10am. what does that say about me? what does that say about my faith? does money really motivate me more than God? is money my god? is it laziness? is it the devil keeping me down? perhaps, but i can probably do enough evil on my own that the devil needn't worry too much about me.
what about school? i can read and write for a degree that doesn't hold much value for me, either in this world or in the hereafter. yet, i could barely take the time to read the Bible or any other book, much less reflect (and write) about what i should be learning about God and life.
i can take hours a day and spend them on the internet or watching tv. most of the time simultaneously. but i only would spend a few minutes a week writing music and less than that writing things like this. i sometimes even hang out with people i don't like and have conversations about nothing. why would i spend more time talking to someone i don't really like than when God?
why is easier to tithe money than to give God my time. i'm not saying tithing money is easy, but money seems easier to part with than time. i'm more likely to give 10% of my income away than give 10% of my time to Godly pursuits. i doubt i even gave 1% of my time in 2011 to God. that's only 15 minutes a day! so i gave more time to jon stewart than i did to God. throwing money at a problem is easier than enacting change. giving money is passive. change is active. giving money is static, a one-time thing. change is constant. it's more work and i'm lazy.
ultimately, we do the things that are truly important to us. i don't know where i got that idea from. i know i read that somewhere but google could not remind me where. if that statement is true, my actions scream pretty much the opposite of what them to.
"LAZY!"
"SELFISH!"
"QUITTER!"
"GLUTTON!"
"HEATHEN!"
why is it easier to spend time on meaningless endeavors than to do things that reflect what i'm supposedly passionate about?
maybe i'll continue to write, reflect, and construct meaning. maybe i'll figure out to change those words my actions speak so loudly. maybe i'll figure out how to enact what i already know. maybe i'll stop saying maybe. maybe.
sometimes i want to hold on to my anger. sometimes i want it to be justified. sometimes i want to enact justice. sometimes i realize i'm in desperate need of a miracle.
so where is the line between the dust and the plank in my eye?
cause it ain't nothing short of a miracle
that grace falls down as freely and as frequently as i do
cause it ain't nothing but a miracle
years ago and several lifetimes ago, i was making random cold calls for a network marketing company. that lead to some funny, strange, and threatening voicemails. this is an iconic voicemail that was remixed on my new iphone. enjoy.
update: here's the original.
edit: i added the original version of the song at the end.
i am a heathen
i'm a hedonistic fool
for believing
i could be anything usefuli'm a liar
i'm being honest just for once
i'm growing tired
of feigning innocencecause i've been roaming all around in the dark without a clue
for way too long, without You
and i've been forming all these words in my mouth with a sharpened tongue
and a hollow heart, without lovei am a lion
preying on my enemies
there's no denying
just look at my blood-stained teeth i'm unfaithful
i'm an unrepentant whore
i'm so ungraceful
falling face-down on the floorcause i've been roaming all around in the dark without a clue
for way too long, without You
and i've been forming all these words in my mouth with a sharpened tongue
and a hollow heart, without love
at my worst, You came down and rescued me
and at my best i am still so unworthy
and here is my version of the song. it includes an extra verse.
it's amazing that someone as revered as neil young would listen to much less create his own cover of popular songs from will smith and his daughter willow.
as a special bonus, here's my cover of jimmy fallon playing neil young singing katy pery.
it's hard to believe that it's already december and i've been in san diego for over 6 months. here's a song about december.
quest, stars find a home
quest, the stars find a home
a dream to be like them
running down and running out of time
to accomplish all of these things that i've been dreaming of another new morning to brave
the sun shining down trying to break the cold air as it hits me hard
and it hasn't been that long
but it's hard to remember life before i met you when i turn my head
i wanna see the comfort it brings to see you
sitting next to me december stillness in the midst
my rampant mind's restless, i just can't still
and i can't go through the motions anymore
empty words are no longer there, they been filled again i'd give my last breath to you
if i knew it would save you somehow
and you would see me as i really am
minimalistic music, simple words to convey the duality of internal conflict. cause and effect.
cause do i sit here and wait
cause God, i'm so scared
do i step out on faith
scrape off all this rust
and remove this dust
and move on
of being unprepared
i don't know what comes next
i can't see the next step
i just waiti am alone but i am alive
so why can't i say what's on my mindcause nothing comes out
when i open my mouth
just the silent words
that will go unheard
i just starei am alone but i am alive
so why can't i say what's on my mind
i am alone but i am alive
so why do i feel so cold insidecause if i believe what i say i believe
why don't it change what's inside of me
cause if i believe what i say i believe
why don't it change the way i speak
this song gives me much hope. i wrote the music while my g-string was broken and much like i do in real life, i made do with what i had.
::ante meridian::
mourning wakes and dawn escapes
the stained fog that i’ve embraced
restless night again tonight
a weak end to another weekend
where is my joy?
where is my morning?
i am cloaked with the night sky
blinded by everything in sight
oh my heart is running a marathon right now
it won’t be long cause i don’t belong here
where is my joy?
where is my morning?
are things really as they seem
circumstance and evidence of things unseen
what is true and what is real
is more important than consequence and all that is known
